TDB: CIA Asks Coast Guard For Its Cocaine Back

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - The crew of the Coast Guard Cutter Vigilant offloads 2,046 pounds of cocaine at Station Port Canaveral, Fla., July 2, 2012.  The haul taken from a go fast boat 90 miles south of Punta Beata, Dominican Republic is estimated to have a wholesale value of $26 million.  U.S. Coast Guard photo by Petty Officer 2nd Class Michael De Nyse.

“We didn’t spend the last forty years perfecting narcotics smuggling so that a couple of wet-behind-the-ears puddle pirates could pull a paper mache submarine out of the water and make off with South America’s new government,” a CIA operative known only as “John” told reporters. “You guys are lucky that we outsourced the crews, or you’d be chupacabra food right now.”

According to the CIA, the final stroke occurred when the Coast Guard managed to ambush a semi-submersible vessel on its way to El Salvador, which was going to either help fund Mara Salvatrucha (more commonly known as MS-13) or Calle 18, depending on which gang they thought would function better as the country’s future government.

Pretty damned funny.  Worth the read.

3 thoughts on “TDB: CIA Asks Coast Guard For Its Cocaine Back”

  1. Funny thing is there’s a cite in the linked Wiki article in which the CIA really did once ask for the return of about $36,000:

    The [1996 Hitz] report stated that the CIA had requested the Justice Department return $36,800 to a member of the Meneses drug ring, which had been seized by DEA agents in the Frogman raid in San Francisco. The CIA’s Inspector General said the Agency wanted the money returned “to protect an operational equity, i.e., a Contra support group in which it [CIA] had an operational interest.”[

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