SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch under the study tables.
“We have come to put an end to the injustice and corruption that GUSA has brought upon the student body,” announced Cadet Marcus Briarwood (SFS ’15), the self-declared ring leader of the ROTC revolt, over WGTB radio shortly after the raid. “No longer will we tolerate an administration spoiled by power-hungry congressional interns who fail to see that their ineptitude is gutting the Hilltop from within. The ineffective institution of GUSA has failed to protect Georgetown from the growing presence of international students and – even worse – transfers. Under the guidance of ROTC, security is the number one priority, which why I am calling for the immediate dissolution of GUSA and trial of its members for high treason against the University. In its place, I am honored to announce the creation of the Department of Hilltop Security, which will monitor the every aspect of the Hilltop and eliminate any and all potential threats.”