Department Of Defense To Award Purple Heart For Butthurt | The Duffel Blog

In the wake of the newly unveiled Distinguished Warfare Medal, the Department of Defense intends to relax standards on the nation’s oldest military decoration – the Purple Heart. Under the expanded interpretation, the award will now be available to any disgruntled service member suffering from disillusionment and shattered expectations.

“Acute Rectal Inflammation, colloquially known as ‘butthurt,’ is a serious and grossly underrated epidemic plaguing our military,” Lieutenant Jimmy Chang, Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine, told The Duffel Blog. “Essentially, psychological or emotional trauma, stemming from either internal or external stimuli, manifests itself and eventually begets anal trauma. In severe cases, butt cells can become so hurt that they become malignant. In fact, butthurt is the leading cause of colon cancer among service members.”

via Department Of Defense To Award Purple Heart For Butthurt | The Duffel Blog.

I just nominated myself for my tour in Indiana.

3 thoughts on “Department Of Defense To Award Purple Heart For Butthurt | The Duffel Blog”

  1. Perfect award for those suffering from “asphalt rectumitis” which is defined as driving down the road with your head up your ass.

  2. Stacy McCain should qualify for a shirt full, they way he talks. After his boy gets the Girl Scout beanie, he can make the multiple awards with a tack hammer. Then he’ll ferget the butthurt and focus on the chest hurt.

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